I Don’t Trust God
I don’t trust God.
That’s not some click-baity headline. Unfortunately… Stuff keeps happening, and over and over God proves to me that I don’t know how good he is or trust that he is in control.
First, a smaller example. A few weeks ago, a fellow staff member at the church I work for asked me to lead a break-out group for our singles class. My first reaction: “Oh Yeeaaaah, single ladies.” (Let me just interject here, I’m single so it’s not that weird.) Singleness is a whole other blog post, but I was down to lead the group. Then I found out that the group will be completely comprised of people between 36 and 55. Crap. I’m 28 if you are counting. “This is going to be super weird,” I thought, “I don’t want to do it. I wish I could just back out.”
On top of that, my last day at this job is next week (guess what the next paragraph is about…) and I was kind of planning on going back to the church I was at before I took this job because I didn’t really want to leave in the first place. Ugh… So I begrudgingly show up on the first Sunday with a less-than-positive attitude. I don’t know how it looked from the outside, but I knew I didn’t want to be doing this. But guess what, as my group started to show up, and as the teaching started, and then as the groups broke off for discussion time something awesome happened: it didn’t suck. Actually, it went really well. My group was awesome, our discussion was awesome, everything was just kind of… Awesome. It was like a breath of fresh air. I can’t wait for next week. Lesson 1 complete. God will work it all out.
“Stuff just keeps happening, and over and over God proves to me that I don’t know how good he is and don’t trust that he’s in control.”
Second, a big example: 2-ish weeks ago my boss sat me down and said something along the lines of: “I know you hate your job, let me help you find a career that you are going to love.” I didn’t know how to take that, but after hearing him talk about it more, and in the way he has demonstrated his desire to help me, I’m bought in on the vision. So here I am, writing a blog post instead of working on my resume. (I guess a post about procrastination is coming up next.) In all seriousness, I’m super freaked out about this. I haven’t been without a job since I started working when I was in high school. I own a house. I have bills. How am I going to do this?! I thought I was killing it. Six months ago this post would have been about how God had worked everything together to bring me to this amazing place in my life, but now it’s about trusting in God through the pain of leaving that amazing place. It sucks.
So there you have it. God is really good to me. Yeah, I feel like I’m being thrown to the wolves but I have 2 things. 1. “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” –Jesus (Matt. 6:26). Look at that, the creator of the universe, the one who holds the universe together promises that I’ll be alright. That should be enough, but guess how nice Jesus is… He gave me an example of how good he is by taking care of me in the little things (aka the small group I didn’t trust would go well). I guess I’ll be alright.
“Six months ago this post would have been about how God had worked everything together to bring me to this amazing place in my life, but now it’s about trusting in God through the pain of leaving that amazing place. It sucks.”
My friend Michelle and I were texting tonight and she said this: “Hmm well maybe if change is comfortable then it’s not a big enough change? Try to look at it that way. Uncomfortable could mean good too because it’s growth.” Deep down in my soul I know that she’s right. This is just change. “just change.” Change is not inherently bad, and in this case, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be really good. I just have to trust God with it. I just have to trust God. I just have to trust God. Sorry to repeat myself, but the second two weren’t for you, they were for me.
So yeah, that gets us up to today. I’m trying to trust God, but that ish (look mom, I censored myself) is hard. Pray for me, and if you know of any marketing jobs around Indy let me know.